I've always been a collector, as long as I can remember I've always like to acquire things - lots of things, lots of similar things. I've collected stamps, coins, rocks, beads, pony books, ponies, shoes, perfumes, hats, DVDs, bottles of spirits...in fact I seem to think that pretty much everything that you can get one of is better if you get lots of it.
I find something satisfying in sitting in front of a sizeable collection of things, it makes me feel secure and there's a calmness to be derived from things being 'in order'. I'd always thought this was just some sort of crazy, spoilt only child greedy consumerism, and as selfish as that might be, I was fine with it.
As it turns out I think there's slightly more to it than that. In the past few years my collecting has progressed to a new level. Now I collect for the future. While I wish that I meant this in a 'collecting fine art to use as an addition to my superannuation fund' kind of way, what I really mean is I collect things to do, places to go and for want of a better word, obligations.
I really like having a collection of obligations. I like the security of knowing that on this date, at this time, I will be doing this with this person. I think I actually enjoy that feeling a lot more than I enjoy doing whatever it is I've planned...weird huh? Nothing makes me happier than knowing that my next few months of weekends are booked up with events, or declaring that I'm going to do something - in fact, reviewing my blog has lead me to realise I seem to derive satisfaction from making resolutions whether I complete them or not. Something about the certainty derived from the act of planning and makes me feel secure even if the planned event doesn't happen.
I guess this means I'm scared of space, of free time and uncertainty...I was going to write about my plan to overcome this, but I guess that's kind of defeating the point.
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