Radical Honesty - I'm not radical enough for this!

A friend recently told me they were practising 'radical honesty', I didn't bother asking what that was and so just made the assumption that it meant telling the truth all the time...sounds kinda fun, huh? It seems a little bit like an extension of my philosophy of 'I'm not doing anything I don't want to' or 'if I'm not having fun I just leave'. So because it sounded like a fun way of operating, I checked it out online.

Wikipedia tells me that radical honesty is:

Radical Honesty is a technique and self-improvement program developed by Dr. Brad Blanton. The program asserts that lying is the primary source of modern human stress, and that practitioners will become happier by being more honest, even about painful or taboo subjects. Blanton claims this form of honesty can help all human relationships since it "creates an intimacy not possible if you are hiding something for the sake of someone's feelings."

The Radical Honesty technique includes having practitioners state their feelings bluntly, directly and in ways typically considered impolite. For example, "I'm disgusted with you for X" where X is a statement of objective observation about the person towards whom the comment is being directed. People who practice Radical Honesty employ a collection of techniques to shift them out of acceptable norms of "white lying" for the purpose of having a more truthful relationship with themselves and others.

 Meh, that doesn't sound too hard, right? I like the sound of getting to say what I'm thinking and having stuff work out well because of it, although I'm struggling to see how telling someone they are dull and painful to be around would help create intimacy in the relationship, but it might be worth a crack.

A little further reading revealed a ripper of an article from Esquire.com (I only read it for the articles), which you can read here I Think You're Fat. It's pretty long, but I thought it was an awesome read. While the article proved to that there is no way I've got the guts to try this thing properly, it highlighted to me that several of the people I like the most already seem to operate along the lines of radical honesty with pretty damn good results. Perhaps there is something to this whole thing, if you're brave enough to try it - fortune favours the radically honest.

What if there's more than one answer?

I've spent a lot of time and energy worrying what to do with my life and why it "isn't happening" over the past few years. When I finally accepted that there wasn't going to be a bolt from the blue answer to what career would make turn me into one of those sickeningly happy people who get paid to do what they love, somehow I decided that I should channel my life's energy into becoming a wife and a mother....hmmm.

Thankfully, after a a few months of failing at this rather sketchy solution to addressing my life's purpose its finally becoming clear to me that for me there isn't just one purpose. I wasn't put on this earth to become a forensic accountant, pastry chef or supermodel, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't put on this earth just to be a wife and mother, although I'd still like to do those things eventually.

Instead of frustratingly trying to specialise and find the one niche that would satisfy all of my needs, I'm going to try to diversify. I like the idea of having several purposes, or projects on the go which all bring different things to the table. I'm not quite sure where this train of thought will lead, but just thinking it has made me feel lighter and free-er already. It turns out that the idea of having one true purpose has been making poor little commitment-phobic me quite claustrophobic.

Stuff that is making me feel grown up

• Wearing pants and a shirt to work today - I look like a man, but at least I look like a professional man.
• Walking to and from work
• Reading industry related articles in my spare time
• Doing lots of cooking in advance (some of it is even quite tasty)
• Going to a bar in jeans and a quite demure top (and giggling at the girls in skimpy dresses and lots of makeup)
• Getting up early and cleaning the house
• Gardening...the plants are still alive, although looking a little wussy.
• Opening a first home savers account (although it has no money in it)
• Deciding to use the money I would spend on Spring Carnival to kick start my first home savers account.

Stuff that is reminding me I'm not very grown up:

• You don't really think I'm stupid enough to put that in writing do you?

My Name is Heather and I'm a Collector.

I've always been a collector, as long as I can remember I've always like to acquire things - lots of things, lots of similar things. I've collected stamps, coins, rocks, beads, pony books, ponies, shoes, perfumes, hats, DVDs, bottles of spirits...in fact I seem to think that pretty much everything that you can get one of is better if you get lots of it.

My People

There are a lot of people in my life, friends, family, colleagues, my shoe man, my personal trainer, the good breakfast guy....well you get the picture. Not all of them are close to me, but they all make up the human landscape of my life.

Life is Pretty Peachy

I dunno about you, but life is very sweet for me at the moment. I've had some upheaval in the last month or so, but it looks like that's all out of the way and I've been able to start living the life I love again.

The Quiet Voice

I've been thinking about the loud voice/quiet voice concept a fair bit lately, it seems to be very relevant at this point in my life.

Did you make anyone's day brighter today?

I don't think I did, or at least I didn't do it consciously.

I don't wanna be another Bridget Jones clone

I stumbled upon Gareth Sibson's article 'Somebody save me from the Bridget Clones' a few years ago and have forced myself to periodically re-read it, every six months or so, ever since. I'm not going to try to summarise it, you can read it at the link below.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-366696/Somebody-save-Bridget-Clones.html

It makes me cringe every time I read it, probably because it hits a little close to home. The most scarily accurate observation in the article is that 'women seem to look at dating as a business plan.' It instantly makes me recall conversations with a former co-worker where men were classed in the same categories as our company's marketing leads - hot prospects or 95% ers (yes, I am blushing as I type this). 

I agree with Gareth, that dating should be an organic process. I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to be in a relationship, that we don't tend to stop and think about whether it's the right relationship to be in. I know that I'm certainly guilty of this, after one date with a new bloke I'm immediately trying to work out how to make him my boyfriend, without thinking about whether I'd actually like him to be. There's no room for romance (or even authenticity) in such a transactional relationship.

The past few weeks have been a bit of a wake up call for me, some of my best friends have become part of wonderful, loving relationships that have shown me how things can work, and a very wise person sat me down and made a few well judged observations. I guess for me it all comes down to authenticity, if you have to act like someone else to get a boyfriend is that boyfriend really worth keeping? I think I'd rather be authentic and alone.

In an effort to stop coming across as another Bridget Clone I'm having a crack at the following for the next month, just to see if I actually can:

• Stop boring people by talking about my job, how long I've been single or my bust size. I will however continue talking about my blog because it's very, very exciting.
• Stop scoping out every bar, cafe, gym class and tram for 'potentials'
• Stop reading blogs about relationships
• Stop writing love poems to people I've just met in the lift (just kidding, I can't write poetry.)

So if you catch me doing any of the above, you can give me a good rap across the knuckles - I'll deserve it.

Mid-20's Urban Disconnection Angst

Back when my grandparents were my age, life was a nice structured combination of social institutions that formed the framework for how you behaved, thought, dressed, who your friends would be, what you'd cook, where you'd live, who you'd date and when you'd get married. OK, so my grandma was 25 in the 1940's, I might be stretching it a bit, but there was a lot more social structure back then.

My parents are members of the Bellerive Yacht Club in Tasmania, and it has been a major part of their lives as long as I can remember. The Club provides its members with a marina, a bar, footy tipping, family nights, all sorts of functions and generally a place and a group where members feel they 'belong'. Even now (7 years after moving interstate) I can walk into the Club and people will know me and say g'day. As a child, the Club determined a lot of the structure of my life - Wednesday night twilight races, Friday night dinners, Saturday and Sunday races, countless Mother's Day lunches, my Father's 50th birthday party, my Grandfather's wake was held there and his picture still hangs in the hallway, and most importantly I learnt never wear a hat in a bar (or else you'll have to shout the whole bar)!

One of the biggest changes I experienced when moving states was the loss of social institutions/groups to guide my way. I was away from my family, school group, my pony club, my parent's yacht club and everything I knew. While it was great that this new beginning meant I had to work out who I was, this authenticity came at a cost - the comfort and security of belonging to a community and understanding the prescribed norms. I think this angst might be true for many of my generation who move out of home and away from everything they know, every generation has had to go out and forge it's place in the world, but the disconnect is far greater now - we're not in Kansas anymore!

In an attempt to appease my fears at being totally out of place and out of order, last year I signed up for 'ettiquette school', which is apparently enjoying a significant rise in enrollments - possibly due to this 'disconnection angst'. Thankfully, etiquette school simply confirmed I was OK, instead of telling me I was horribly badly mannered!

Over the past few years I've created my own network of social groups to form the framework for my life - my 'urban family', work groups, volunteer groups, steak night groups, girl's night groups, meditation group and all of these help to give my life structure. Many of my friends are part of sporting groups, book clubs, volunteer with community groups or surf clubs, but it seems the future of the organised social club is being replaced with more informal social groupings. Can facebook replace a yacht club ? Can a group of people you meet because they hang out at the same bar replace life-long friendships with school-mates (in my case, yes)?

If you're reading this blog and you're not yet a 'follower' you'd better join up (all the cool kids are doing it), you can find the follow button at the left hand side of this column.

Singapore isn't that far away, right?

Last night I helped my mate Cam celebrate his last Thursday in Melbourne for a while (at least for the foreseeable future). Many beers and margaritas were drunk, much yummy Mexican food was eaten and many great memories re-surfaced.

I remember my second day in Melbourne, when I'd gone to the supermarket, put everything through the checkout and realised I didn't have my wallet with me. Cam passed the sobbing 17 year old girl who'd moved in downstairs the day before running back through Hawksburn to get her wallet and put his hand on my arm and told me to smile. Just that small gesture was enough to give me hope that maybe things weren't so bad at all (although my ice cream still melted all over the check out).

I'm really going to miss having Cam around, apart from being one of my best mates, he is also a mentor and a big brother to me. I got to thinking about some of the things I've learnt from Cam over the last seven years and this is what I came up with:

• 'Because it will make a good story' is a good enough reason to do anything
• Taxi drivers always have interesting perspectives on life, and you should always take the time to listen to them
• That if you hear something three times it must be true
• Look confident and everyone will believe you
• Every bluff can be called
• Just because it looks like a kareoke bar, doesn't mean it is a kareoke bar
• Anything is possible if you try hard enough
• You can buy awesome stuff in Singapore (see picture below)
• There's no need to leave the house if you don't want to. Ever.
• That if you hear something three times it must be true 
• You don't have to do anything you don't want to, but you can always make other people do it
• Homemade beer smells like farts
• The best way to make a cheese sandwich (to fry it, with some cheese on the outside)
• It is possible to make an apartment-sized spiderweb with just a few balls of string
• Most people don't pay attention to the details, and if you rely on this you can get away with a lot
• Making friends with randoms can lead to some of the most interesting afternoons
• An empty day can always be filled with beer and mates
• That if you hear something three times it must be true 
• Vinyl snakeskin is always appropriate
• That I can never out-negotiate him

I hope all of Cam's new Singaporean friends realise just how lucky they are to have him, and I can't wait to come visit, but in the mean time I suppose Singapore is only a phone call away.

 Check out the awesome faux-Burberry dumpling kit he got me - Singapore must be awesome!

Someone else's wisdom

 Today I don't really have a lot to say, so I thought I'd share some quotes from good old Norma Jeane:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"Its better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what your not"

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

Letting go

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy." - Nelson Mandela.

I've long been known for my ability to hold petty grudges with a vice- like grip. It's not something I'm proud of, but it is part of me. Most of the time its about silly things like someone not liking my shoes, or telling me I've put on weight, and  I usually get over it stuff like that pretty quickly. Occasionally it's something bigger that just festers away -  what happens if I just can't let go?

I know that for the sake of my own happiness, and that of others, I need to move on so why can't I just do it? I guess the answer must be that I don't want to. This is even harder to understand...why would I want to keep hold of something that makes my life miserable?

Perhaps it goes back to my belief that I must learn from what happens to me. I guess there's a lesson in all of this I still need to learn before I can move on...or perhaps I can just move into a cave with this bloke:

18 days till shark diving!

In 18 days I will quivering on the deck of the shark diving boat trying to feign seasickness or death so as not to have to get in the water with sharks...no, I'll actually be really, really brave.

Here are some photos of sharks that I've been looking at to build up my nerves...they aren't really helping, although it's good to know the sharks have already eaten.

If that's not enough shark-eating-seal action for you, here's a bit more.

WWLFD?

On Friday night I was faced with a terrible dilemma, due to rather ungracefully descending the stairs at my local, The Local, I was left with a slightly damaged shoe. By slightly damaged, I mean the stiletto heel had snapped off at a right angle (see picture).

After a moments panic (I was two blocks from home and it was raining and if I took my shoes off my stockings would get wet...and I would be a bogan), I took a deep breath and thought 'What would Lillian Frank do?' Thankfully it only took a moment to bring to mind one of Lillian's gems of wisdom which is repeated at the beginning of each Spring Carnival - 'It is better to be carried home, than to carry your shoes home'...unfortunately, after looking around I noticed a distinct lack of gentlemen offering to carry me home. Back to the WWLFD drawing board....

The only thing left to do was take a deep breath, stand up straight, stick my nose in the air and walk along on the broken heel pretending there was nothing wrong. It turns out pilates has made me quite good at walking on tippy-toes, I think Lillian would have been proud.

Baby photos

You know that person that talks non stop about their wedding even though it was years ago? Or the one that shows you billions of inane an seemingly identical pictures of their baby/cat/pet cactus? Or the one who breaks into song or interpretive dance at any opportunity? How about the one who thrusts examples of their arts and crafts projects at you?

I get a lot of all of those people, and for years I never understood what they found so fascinating about baby's first poo or the painting they'd done of a dolphin or their wedding photos, didn't these people have anything more interesting in their lives? Didn't they go to parties, watch the news, have outfits to plan for Spring Carnival?

As it turned out, what they had was far more interesting than my myriad of distractions - they had a passion. An all-consuming reason for getting up in the morning. I think in the last few weeks I've found mine, so forgive me for constantly asking if you've read my blog and I promise I'll look at your baby photos.

My Happiness Project

I love having a few projects on the go, and what better project than one designed to make me happy? I've been reading Gretchen Rubin's site The Happiness Project (here) and I like the idea. Gretchen has another site, The Happiness Project Toolbox (here) which has some great tools for planning your own 'Happiness Project'.

Last year I decided that May was 'Me Month' and spent the whole month doing things to make me happy, which was great, but why stop at one month? For me this isn't about crazy resolutions I won't keep, it's about small adjustments and habits I'd like to form over time...except the shark diving, I'm hoping that doesn't become a habit. I've got a few projects currently on the go, and will keep updating with new ones as I progress.

A few of the things I'm working on for my Happiness Project:

Healthy Heather
I've been working on being healthier by doing pilates and personal training once a week and eating a lot better than usual. From here I'd like to get to:

• PT & Pilates once a week each
• 2 extra gym sessions (even if one of them is just floating around the hydrotherapy pool)
• Eating healthier all the time
• Drinking lots more water, and lots less wine (during the week)

Happy Heather
Who would have guessed that someone who hated writing would enjoy writing a blog so much? I want to keep up the blogging, and as mentioned in last week's post, I'd like to clean out my wardrobe - nice tidy spaces make me happy. I'd like to spend more time with friends who make me happy, and less time worrying about the ones that stress me out.

Handy Heather
I haven't really been cooking much over the last few years, so I'm working on learning at least one new recipe a week...I'm yet to poison anyone so far.

Harmonious Heather
I've been loving attending my weekly meditation group, so my aim is to keep this up, and to remember to take a few moments to 'chill out' every once in a while.

Heroic Heather
Um, how does diving with Great White Sharks sound?

Hidden Heather
I'd like to be more of a 'hidden Heather', unfortunately my habit of over-sharing seems to prevent that...sometimes it's not necessary to tell everyone, everything...I'd like to work on sharing a little less. I'd also like to start making eye contact with people again, not quite sure when I stopped doing this, but it must make me look really shifty - next time we talk make sure I'm making eye contact.

Hopeful Heather
I'd really like to make and stick to a budget...how hard can it be right? I'll post a little more about this on Friday (pay day!)...may as well start fresh with some money in the account!



Do you have any Happiness Projects on the go or any suggestions for projects to try?

Thought for a Monday

In 1820, English writer Sydney Smith wrote a letter to an unhappy friend, Lady Morpeth, in which he offered her tips for living as happy life:

1. "Live as well as you dare. 
2. Go into the shower-bath with a small quantity of water at a temperature low enough to give you a slight sensation of cold, 75 or 80 degrees. 
3. Amusing books. 
4. Short views of human life—not further than dinner or tea.
5. Be as busy as you can. 
6. See as much as you can of those friends who respect and like you. 
7. And of those acquaintances who amuse you.
8. Make no secret of low spirits to your friends, but talk of them freely—they are always worse for dignified concealment. 
9. Attend to the effects tea and coffee produce upon you. 
10. Compare your lot with that of other people. 
11. Don’t expect too much from human life—a sorry business at the best. 
12. Avoid poetry, dramatic representations (except comedy), music, serious novels, melancholy, sentimental people, and everything likely to excite feeling or emotion, not ending in active benevolence.
13. Do good, and endeavour to please everybody of every degree. 
14. Be as much as you can in the open air without fatigue.
15. Make the room where you commonly sit gay and pleasant. 
16. Struggle by little and little against idleness. 
17. Don’t be too severe upon yourself, or underrate yourself, but do yourself justice.
18. Keep good blazing fires.
19. Be firm and constant in the exercise of rational religion. 
20. Believe me, dear Lady Georgiana.”

I'm quite partial to 1,5,6,7 and 13...oh, and don't forget 18 - there aren't enough good blazing fires in my life!

What rings true for you?

Smile like you mean it

I read in a book once that if you say brush before you walk into a room it'll give you the perfect fake smile. Ever since, I've been saying brush a lot. In the past people have been amazed at how I could smile no matter what was going wrong, but that tightly held grimace was covering a whole lot of stress, angst and even anger.

I spent a long time believing that expressing anxiety, tension or dissatisfaction was a sign of lack of control. Clearly anyone who appears emotional and out of control must be, and anyone who seems calm and in control surely is. This isn't new thinking, but what's new to me is realizing that sometimes it's OK to not act in control if you aren't. Sometimes, for the sake of your sanity, it's OK to wipe off that air hostess grin and let people know you're not OK.

We have feelings for a reason, and we hide them at our peril.

Julian Baggini wrote an article for The Guardian on this topic in 2009 which I found interesting, you can see it here.

Recently I've been 'holding back' less - if I'm stressed, you'll know it, if I'm sad, you'll know it, but more importantly if I'm genuinely happy, you'll know it.

How do you show you care?

My Mum would never let me leave the house looking scruffy. Even now when I visit, at 25 years old,  she often makes me brush my hair or iron my clothes before we leave the house. She doesn't do this to pick on me, or because she's ashamed of me being such a grot, she does it because she cares about me and knows that the way other people perceive me will have an effect on my life.

She always pushes me to work and study hard, tries to convince me to go back to uni or do night courses, but it's not because she thinks I'm a failure, it's because she loves me and wants the best for me.

She tends to frown upon the boys I date, the late nights I have out, my extravagances and foibles, but that's only because she wants me to be happy, safe and secure.

It's taken my 25 years to come to appreciate the way my mother expresses her love, and now I do, I love her all the more for it.